Dad-o-Matic

Home Alone With the Boys

I have worked for 14 years in consulting, managed projects of over 50,000 man-days of effort, run teams of 90+ people including some off-shore, and have been through some tense projects.  So the first time my wife left me home alone with my three boys, I figured (to quote City Slickers) “Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla, don’t waste my time.” 

I have always appreciated what my wife goes through at home, from shuttling around the kids to school, soccer practice, basketball practice, doctor’s appointments, working part time, you name it.  With me being on the road a few days a week and three kids at home, she is a trooper to say the least - I think daily about how she sacrifices herself to keep our household running.  The moral of the story before even starting - take a moment to appreciate how much moms go through raising young kids.  I hope I never take that for granted.

My kids are a little older now, but a couple years ago I captured in an email to a friend what it was like to be left alone with the boys (then ages 5, 3 and 3-4 months, respectively).  I tried to keep a Bill Simmons-like journal of the evening, while my wife was out to a well deserved dinner with friends. 

• 5:30pm - Mom says a quick goodbye just before the baby starts to cry, leaves while two older boys are playing quietly with legos in the playroom.
• 5:32 - Garage door closes.  Kid #3 dozing comfortably in the baby swing.
• 5:35 - #2 decides to destroy #1’s elaborate space station creation.  World War III ensues. I jump in to intervene before #3 wakes up, but am moments too late.
• 5:45 - Kids calm again, now watching one of their shows on Tivo.  At this point I thank numerous divine influences for allowing Tivo to be invented.  #3 spits up over everything.  I think he’s left his “mark” on every article of clothing I own.
• 5:52 - #3 changed, but cranky when he is put down.  He is now attached to my arm for the rest of the night.  Who needs the gym when you can carry your kids around for hours on end.
• 6:02 - Microwave chicken nuggets complete, two plates at once in the microwave.  Feeling pretty good so far. I am a multi-tasking machine - eat your heart out Michael Keaton.
• 6:10 - Both older boys kicking each other on the couch, I skillfully disrupt war with one hand and still manage to keep #3’s pacifier in.
• 6:15 - #1 and #2 sit down for dinner and immediately complain about cold chicken nuggets.
• 6:16 - Reheat complete.
• 6:30 - Debate about bath versus shower ensues.  #1 adamantly votes for bath.  #2 says shower.  I suggest shower quickly, so we can play soccer with a nerf soccer ball in our bedroom.  #1 agrees.  #2 now wants a bath.
• 6:44 - Showers complete, pajamas on, teeth brushed, hair brushed.  I’m living large and have the first official “I can totally do this” thought.
• 6:48 - #2 takes the soccer ball away from #1 right before #1 is going to score a goal.  Meltdown in five… four… three…
• 6:49 - CODE RED CODE RED - suddenly all kids are crying at once.  I am not sure why the baby is crying, another full diaper?
• 6:55 - Indoor soccer game canceled, both kids in #2’s bed ready for reading books. I start reading one of the books -#3 is still on my arm.  One of two major highlights of the night:  #3 is staring at me like eyes WIDE open like the scene in the Blair Witch Project.  He actually starts cooing and making happy noises as my intonation changes.  Amazing what Dr. Seuss can do to a baby.
• 7:16 - #2 lights out, we head to #1’s room.  #3 is happily enjoying the show.
• 7:19 - #2 needs to pee.  Second highlight of the night: #1 looks at me holding #3, says “I’ll help him, dad,” gets up out of bed and heads out of the room to go help #2 in the bathroom.  I’m smiling ear to ear.
• 7:35 - #1 out cold.  #2 out cold.  #3 out cold, still on my arm.  I get the Tivo remote, the phone, Sports Illustrated and crash with #3 on the couch.  <sigh>
• 9:40 - Mom arrives home to sink full of dishes, legos and other toys everywhere, me sleeping on the couch, #3 sleeping in my arms and wet thru his diaper.

Piece of cake.

Adam Cohen is the proud dad of 3 boys, a fan of all sports in New England, and a partner at interactive marketing agency Rosetta.  He keeps a professional blog at http://adamhcohen.com and is a contributor to the Boston sports blog http://bigpapelbon.com.  Adam is also on twitter - drop by and say hello.

Worst of the Week: You’ve Got Junk Mail

Welcome to my regular Friday feature, Worst of the Week. As a white, suburbanite husband and dad of two kids, there’s a lot that can go wrong and this entry is all about how to fix it. I hope you enjoy it!

Well it was just a matter of time – Patrick, my eight year old, is now getting junk mail. It all started Tuesday when he received an oversized manila envelope from Canton. Ohio. It looked very official and was thick with material. I opened it to find a few different things:

1) A nice full color brochure featuring a “Quartz Infrared Portable Heater”.
2) A 4 page professional letter from the Director of Product Development telling Mr. Patrick Marshall that he could save 50% on heating bills this winter.
3) Testimonials from satisfied customers.
4) A Fact Sheet of the featured product.
5) An Authorized Discount Claim Form.
6) A return envelope.

OK, first things first, it didn’t bother me that he got the mail. I have signed up Patrick for at least two magazines in his name (Highlights and Sports Illustrated for Kids) and I know that magazines sell the names they collect to companies that deal in such business practices. But it just looked out of place. I could see him getting a toy catalog or an ad for Zoo Books or something like that but a portable space heater accompanied by all this paper just seemed a bit much. So I decided to give the Customer Service number a call to see what I could find out.

I told the first woman my situation and said that she would take his name off the list. Fine. Good. I fully expected that, but how was he put on the list in the first place? She quickly gave me a number to someone else in CS. BTW, she couldn’t transfer me. Give me a break.

The second guy was much more helpful and told me that he and the first woman I spoke to was just a phone bank to answer overflow calls that the company couldn’t answer right away. This is not uncommon. Many companies can handle only so many calls and do need to outsource support. Anyway, he put me in direct contact with a person at the company.

That guy was empathetic to my inquiries and he too understood as a parent the importance of protecting children. As he was digging we both were wondering if Patrick was the victim of identity theft. It turned out that wasn’t the case – thank goodness. We did find out that one of our relatives bought Patrick one of those commemorative coins (a few years ago) in his name. This company bought the list of buyers and with it came full names and addresses. That’s how we received their package.

Patrick’s name is taken off the list but his name is still floating out there, somewhere. It’s 99% impossible to stop now. I wonder how many times his name has been bought and sold in his short life.

The moral, if any, is to be careful and conscious as to what you sign your kids up for with their information.

That’s What She Said Wednesday: So Sick

My daughter, Danni, has never been sick. Sure she has had the sniffles and she has gotten a mild fever but she has never vomited until last Wednesday.

Danni had puked during snack time at school. Chelsea, my wife, went and got her. On the way home, Danni asked if she could have some juice. My wife pulled into Kroger to get some. While they were in the aisle for juice, Danni spotted cups. “Mommy I need cup.” As any parent who has had a sick child known you will pretty much do anything to make them feel better. My wife reached for the cheap Kroger brand cup. “Mommy I want Princess cup.” Chelsea caved and got her for the Princess cup.

At the check out line, Danni saw a “Happy Birthday” balloon in the shape of a butterfly. “Oh pretty butterfly Mommy, can I have ballon.” Chelsea said no and this is what She (Danni) said,

“Oh. So sick, tummy hurt. Oh mommy it hurts. So sick.”

There was a Happy Birthday butterfly shaped balloon in her room when I got home.

I blog almost daily at Buck’s Blog and have an on going segment over there called Daddy Dairies.

Other posts by Buck Rogers:

That’s What She Said: Mommy Sad

A Quick Tip for Fathers of Newborns

How RSS Can Help Protect Your Wee Ones

RSS icon girl by Geek Mom Heather from Flickr

Do you understand how to use RSS (Real Simple Syndication)? We bloggers often assume that you do, but not everyone does. Don’t be ashamed, we all have to learn some time.

Darren Rowse explains RSS well on his Problogger blog, as does Common Craft in their video: RSS In Plain English. Finally, watch the video: Google Reader in Plain English to get a clear understanding of how to use Google to manage your feeds.

———

Are you back? Do you understand now? Great! So, how can RSS help protect your wee ones? It’s simple.

Subscribe to this feed: http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prerelchild.xml. It’s the US Consumer Product Safety Commission - Recent Child Related Product Recalls feed. It’s updated frequently and is a great source for information that you should have, especially with the holidays looming.

Did you know you can use RSS to easily subscribe to this (or any) blog? It’s very easy to do. To subscribe for free just click this image:

A good man revisits his difficult youth

My son is experiencing regrets.

Ben is 27 and, not too long out of the U.S. Army (he served in the Iraqi Freedom invasion force with the 101st Airborne), is planning a July 2009 wedding while going through the process of starting a career in law enforcement. He has gone through the application process, a written exam (known as the POST test), the personal interview, and a physical exam. Still to come, before he can enter the academy, is a physical ability test, which doesn’t worry him, and the submission of a document that lists anything that might disqualify him.

That worries him.

Candor underlies this form. If you fail to list anything that surfaces in a background check, you’re history. Not only will you never work for this department, it’s unlikely you’ll ever work for any department; your untruthfulness will follow you wherever you go.

So Ben is dredging up his youth. It hasn’t been a pleasant experience.

Not that he was a bad kid. He was never arrested. He never got into drugs or alcohol. I’ve been reassuring him that there’s really nothing in his past that could keep him from his goal of becoming a police officer. But he had authority issues, which included him mom and me (not an issue here) and teachers (which is the issue here). Because teachers wanted him to learn, he more or less refused. He was a distraction to other students and was bounced from one school to another, winding up at a school for low achievers.

If the phone rang at home during school hours, there was a good chance it was the school calling about Ben. We had parent-teacher meetings about as often as some people go to the movies. We frequently picked him up early after he was sent home for one problem or another. He exasperated us, especially his mother who was home during the days coping with it while I went to work.

We tried counseling. Doctors. Medications. More counseling. More doctors. Different medications. Running out of options, we finally took the big step and got Ben admitted to Boy’s Town for his senior year of high school.

Yeah, that Boy’s Town, the one portrayed in the movie with Spencer Tracy and Mickey Rooney, the one located in Omaha, Nebraska.

It wound up being a great experience for him, essentially turning his life around. He came home and got a trained as a massage therapist while figuring out what he really wanted to do. Then the World Trade Center towers fell on September 11, 2001, and Ben enlisted in the U.S. Army. He came through basic training at Fort Bening, Georgia, with flying colors and was assigned to the storied Screaming Eagles, based at Fort Campbell, Kentucky, as a combat infantry soldier.

While nobody was considering Iraq as a potential destination, Afghanistan was certainly on their minds. But events unfolded as they did and Ben found himself shipped out to Kuwait to await the order to cross the border and begin the long road to Baghdad (which included stops at most of the key battles you’ve heard of: Karballah, Al Narjef, and so on). The night before the invasion orders were issued, Ben called and told his mom he was sorry for everything he’d put her through. She cried for two hours.

Ben distinguished himself in Iraq. He earned a variety of citations, including the Army Medal of Commendation. I read through his paperwork when he came home, after which I told him he should never let his mother read these papers. They spoke of valor, courage, and heroism. They characterized him as a leader, a model for other soldiers to follow. One citation told of his putting himself in the line of fire to rescue an Iraqi woman and child. It is the graphic descriptions of actual events that make me think Michele will never sleep again if she knows what kind of danger Ben put himself in on a regular, day-to-day basis.

From the very first rumblings that the U.S. might go to war in Iraq, I was opposed to it, and remain so. At the same time, I can’t begin to express the pride I have for my son (and, by extension, for all our young men and women who behaved nobly and honorably in the performance of their duty).

But now, as he slogs through reams of paperwork, his behavior 15 to 20 years ago is coming back to haunt him. And all Michele and I can do is reassure him that none of his adolescent misadventures can possibly overshadow the man he has become, diminish his accomplishments, or sully his character. Any police department would be proud — and lucky — to have him. His record will show that.

I tell this story for any of you dads (or moms, for that matter) whose young kids are driving you to distraction now, leaving you to wonder what will become of them. You see, through all the difficult times, I never doubted Ben would turn out great. As his dad, I could see through his temporary state and envision his potential. If you never stop loving your kids, stand by them, and never give up on them, they’ll turn out fine. Better than fine. They’ll choke you up with who they become and what they achieve.

Trust me. I’m speak from experience.

5 Mystical Bedtime Books

Adjustafresh did a great post on bedtime books back in October, and I noticed a bunch of people commented on it. I found a few new ones there for my older kids, including the hilarious and genuine Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

I thought I’d do another one, this time focused on a different kind of bedtime story. These are for younger kids, maybe 2-5, and what they have in common is the pairing of a kind of quiet cadence with a story line that reflects the deeper truths of life, nature, and humanity. You might call them “mystical” bedtime books.

If you know any of the below, you know what I mean. Each of these five classics uses a simple story and beautiful illustration to communicate something universal and profound in about ten minutes. There’s something special about these books, something magic to both soothe and enrich your sleepy toddler.

First up is the charming Can’t You Sleep Little Bear? The book tells the story of a little bear trying to sleep despite a fear of the dark, while his papa goes to greater and greater lengths to show he is safe and warm at home. Whether your little one is afraid of the dark or not, this book is sure to leave them feeling the same.

My next pick is Owl Moon, which carries some of the same messages of a loving father figure and a shared connection to the natural world as Little Bear. This book perfectly captures the feeling of moonlit snowfall on a deep, Winter night, and the unspoken camaraderie between a father and son as the former crosses into boyhood. There’s a reveal in the book, an illustration that marks the finding of the owl, that will light up your kids just like the glowing landscape throughout this minor masterpiece.

Speaking of a masterpiece… Sophie’s Masterpiece is the third book. It tells a story of personal sacrifice and the blessings of children, from the perspective of a tiny spider with a special gift. This is a sweetly sad book for grownups, who can fill in the blanks that might trouble a toddler. But the story is beautiful, and helps your child understand the preparation and anticipation that marked their entry into the world.

Fourth is Min-Yo and the Moon Dragon. All three of my kids love this one, and even the 8 year old will sit in when I read it to the youngest. It’s probably my favorite as well, with it’s magical Moon Dragon and story of bravery and friendship. Min-Yo is the heroine of the story, a child chosen to save the world simply because she is the only citizen both light and brave enough to climb the wispy silken strand that leads to the rapidly descending moon. Her clever choices and innocent pragmatism save the day, and make a friend of the mythical beast so poorly understood by the people below.

Finally, another story set in the China of long ago, the wise and brilliant Stone Soup. In it we meet three nomadic monks who come upon a town beset by trouble and suspicion, and set it on the right path with a recipe for brotherhood and community. Stone Soup unfolds with a subtlety and a sharpness that matches its pen and ink illustrations, to teach a lesson that - well learned - could do nothing less than make the world a better place.

Check ‘em out, let me know what you think, and what books have a magic for you and your child.

Be A Great Person And You Will Be A Great Parent

Age is a funny thing.  From a purely physical perspective our vision technically deteriorates with age, however from every other aspect I believe our true “vision” grows sharper and more clear the older we get.  One thing in particular that I find our aged vision makes it much easier to see is the deep connections we have with our children (and our parents for that matter).  As I have gotten older, I see more and more of my dad in myself.  This is true from both a behavioral and a physical standpoint.  Perhaps this is because I am at an age that matches the age of my dad in many memories and my “mind’s eye” physical image of my dad from my own childhood.  Perhaps it is just that, as I am now a seasoned parent myself, my dad and I have more in common at this age.  The stories I share with him about my kids -  his grandchildren -  are in most cases sequels or remakes of very similar events and stories in his own experience with my sister and I.

YOU DON’T NEED A MIRROR TO SEE YOURSELF IN YOUR CHILDREN

In a similar fashion, as my own children have gotten older it is at times almost shocking how much of myself I see in them.  Of course, there are the purely physical traits that demonstrate the miraculous power of DNA.  A year or so ago, on a whim, my oldest son Zach decided he was going to create a podcast, “Zach Attack.”  He recorded exactly one episode, which I still have buried on my 80gb iPod.  The other day at work, with my iPod playing random music in “shuffle” mode, the Zach Attack podcast came on.  My first reaction was, when did I record that?  It was MY VOICE I was hearing.  When he speaks to me, I don’t think that Zach and I sound alike, but when his anonymous recorded voice burst forth from my little Logitech speakers, I truly heard myself, and had to pause.

THEY DO AS YOU DO, NOT AS YOU SAY

Physical, genetic similarities are fascinating, but they are hardly the full story.  Regardless of any biological connections, by raising your children I believe you are providing an even greater influence that over the years shapes your childrens’ behavior, beliefs and attitudes.  This is not to say that they aren’t unique individuals with their own points of view, and that they won’t have behaviors and opinions that are far different from, and perhaps even diametrically opposed to your own.  They are and they will.   But in broad strokes, at their core, I believe children naturally take on a great deal from the behavior of their parents.  And it is our behavior that counts, not what we say.  As parents, we love to lecture, and I am as guilty as anyone of trying to change my kids’ habits by laying down the law with words.  However, as I have gotten older and see more of myself in my kids I realize that in the end, it is not what I have said to them that I see.  I see myself in my kids because I see that it is the things I have done, and my real behavior, both good and bad, that has imprinted itself on them.

With that in mind, I am more conscious now of the examples I set for them with my actions, and I am less concerned with the “lessons” I think I can teach them with words.  If I expect them to be loving and compassionate, I need to be loving and compassionate with them and in front of them.  If I expect them to drive safely and responsibly, I need to drive safely and responsibly.  If I want them to grow up to be good citizens and respectful of others, I need to be a good citizen and respectful of them and others.  Perhaps it is because they are older and understand things more maturely now, but I find I am much more concerned with how they perceive my actions now than I was when my kids were younger.  It may have taken me a long time for it to really sink in, but I think I have finally come to realize that the key to being a good parent is to simply be a good person.  The rest will fall into place.

Do you agree, or am I just spewing forth a load of BS?  How do you see yourself in your kids?  Do you see them influenced more by your words or your actions?

Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 20, Ethan, 18 and Olivia, 17).  He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast.  You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab.

Photo Credit: Alexander Vasilyev - Fotolia.com

Elan is a hip guy and he’ll pull through

If you were part of the ad/marketing technology scene in the Greater Washington metro area in the late nineties thru and past the millennium you most definitely know the name Mitch Arnowitz.  Mitch was the caretaker and the leader of a burgeoning marketing and PR community that could be found on the Netpreneur Exchange, which in an of itself was part of a regional project of the Marino Institute.

One day, we all received an email entitled “One of our own is in need”.  It had to do with the tragic plight of the young son one of the list’s members, Allen Goldberg.  Alan’s son, Henry, had Fanconi anemia, a disease that was to take his life at age seven.  Henry’s parents have now founded Hope for Henry, and organization that, to quote from their website, “has developed a comprehensive program to create positive, enriching experiences for young patients being treated at the nation’s top pediatric oncology and hematology wards.”

Mitch is a father himself and recently found out that his nine-year old son, Elan, is need.  Thank God it is not as tragic as the situation that affected Henry, but nevertheless, Elan’s illness is quite serious.  Elan has Perthes Disease, a condition that degenerate the hip.  The family has set up a website, called Elan is a Hip Guy, to tell of his progress.  I’ll cut and paste from “Elans Story”

On November 7, Elan had an external fixator surgically mounted onto his hip. The fixator rests on the outside of his body and will be in place for 4 months. This device pulls the hip or femur bone back, allowing new cartilage to take shape. It is this cartilage that will ultimately form a new hip ball and socket for Elan. Once the fixator is removed, Elan will be in a brace for several months. He will then use crutches, a walker and wheelchair to get around.

The key to this condition is to be ‘non-weight bearing’ until the new hip takes shape. Unfortunately, this process takes several years. The goal to any treatment plan is to create as round a ball as possible. This helps force a better outcome as Elan and his hips get older.

The external fixator procedure is out of the experimental stage and being pioneered in the country by 2 surgeons, one of which will do Elan’s procedure in Baltimore, Maryland at the Rubin Institute’s International Center for Limb Lengthening. The center is part of Sinai Hospital. The center has been doing this work for the past 5 years and is seeing good results in older children.

I’d ask that you take a look at the site and look at the smile of this beautiful child.  He seems to be a fighter.  You’ll see it in his smile.

Mitch doesn’t know I’m writing this, but I’m going to extend and invitation to him to join us here on Dad-o-matic.

The Dreams of Youth

The 49 UP documentary series is an incredible experience that every parent should make time for. It began in 1964 and has grown to become a collection of seven documentaries that has followed the lives of 14 British children every seven years from the age of seven to 49 in the most recent release. The premise of the film was taken from the Jesuit motto “Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man,” which is based on a quote by Francis Xavier.

It’s fascinating to see the these adorable little children on the playground talk about their hopes and dreams and then instantly cut forward seven years, fourteen years, twenty one years and so on. It is amazing to see how some of the boys and girls had a keen sense of what they were going to be when they grew up while others were totally clueless.

I think this series which started in 1964 was like the first reality TV show. There is so much to learn from this series and so much to enjoy as well. It forces you to remember your own youth and the things you hoped and dreamed for as well as some of your friends. It naturally makes you feel reflective and at the same time inspired to do more with your own life. Sure, we are not under the scrutiny of a film crew every seven years, but we shouldn’t need such pressure to stay focused on our aspirations in life. As a matter of fact, it is so informative that many therapists, social behavior professionals and educational institutions use this series as educational material.

As parents, we do our best to help guide our children as they strive to make their way in the world much like the 14 children in this series did. Some of them did achieve their dreams while many of them fell far short. That’s the way life goes, as much as it will kill us when it’s our own children that struggle and fail to reach their childhood dreams. Still, we all must keep the dream and do our best to prepare them for adulthood. I guess we also need to prepare ourselves for whatever happens in their lives. Much like every student becomes a teacher, every child becomes a parent and vice versa, huh?

Note:

Michael Apted has directed most of the documentaries. He always does a wonderful job being sympathetic to the subjects, understanding how sensitive and painful it can be to share your life in such a public manner every seven years. He has made many other excellent movies, including “Coal Miner’s Daughter”, “Gorilla’s in the Mist” and most recently, “Amazing Grace”. Roger Ebert has stated that this series of documentaries is in his top ten movies of all-time. After viewing just one of these installments I think you will agree.

For a complete update on all of the participants and the series itself, visit the 7UP wikipedia entry.A new documentary series called 7Up 2000 started in 2000 with a new group of children followed by 14up 2000. There is an American documentary series equivelant with three installments:

Age 7 in America (1991) and next Phil Joanou
14 Up in America (1998)
21 Up in America (2006) by Christopher Dillon Quinn^[1]

Here are some video clips from the most recent documentary called 49 UP which includes footage from the previous six installments.

Worst of the Week: Homework Time

Welcome to my regular Friday feature, Worst of the Week. As a white, suburbanite husband and dad of two kids, there’s a lot that can go wrong and this entry is all about how to fix it. I hope you enjoy it!

I mentioned last week that Erin (6) was not motivated while participating in actual soccer games. I want to thank everyone for the advice and I will take it all into consideration when going into the spring season.

What I didn’t tell you was that she also has trouble getting her school work done in a timely manner. She’s very bright and she doesn’t need instruction but she does need a bit of nagging by the teacher and with us at home in order to get finished quickly.

I can tell you that things are going better due to a single step that many people have told us to do, and that is when it comes to homework, be sure to do the hardest part first. You see, Erin gets a homework packet every Monday and it is due on Friday. Monday night we look through it and we have Erin focus on the most difficult and longest page, which has usually turned out to be her writing. We also do not allow TV or Wii or whatever until the homework packet is completed (this goes for Patrick and his work, too).

I have to tell you that, for both kids, it has turned out to be an advantage. Spirits are up and we can then focus on other things like reading, spelling or even keyboarding on the computer.

BTW, the pic you see is from our house. Patty and I bought the old style desks from a school closing some many months ago. The kids love them and are able to keep all their supplies and small toys inside, thus relieving us from any clutter on the kitchen table.

Back Up Your Photos Now

When I was a kid our family photos were all kept in albums. The hundreds of photos were meticulously positioned under the plastic static film on each page by my mum. She was great about writing the dates and locations of the photos on the backs.

Today we’re lucky enough to have plenty of storage in our harddrives and external harddrives to store thousands of photos. The photos can easily be tagged, so we can locate them quickly. Each image file has the date written to it, so tracking when they were shot is pretty simple. But there’s a problem.

If a thief robbed my childhood home he would have stolen the stereo, TV and probably my dad’s scotch. He never would have looked twice at the piles of bulky photo albums, today it’s a different situation. Your laptop and harddrives will be among the first to go should you get robbed.

I’m not trying to make you paranoid. I’m just reminding you to always back up your photos (family videos and audio). If you’re leaving for a period of time you should hide your external harddrives or even store them elsewhere.

Backing up to an external harddrive is also a great way to protect your files if there’s a fire, or if your machine suddenly dies. Once you lose your family photos they’ll be gone forever. Don’t just trust the cloud to store them either, there’s no telling when a service or your account can disappear.

Children’s Music Is Evil.

I love to cook. For years my pantry included the “cooking wine” that’s probably in your pantry as well.

One day I was watching Michael Chiarello’s show on Food Network, a show about risotto con funghi, one of my favorites. He paused after toasting the arborio and said something like, “At this point I like to add some dry white wine to the rice, I find it gives it a nice crispness underneath. Now whatever you do, PLEASE don’t use that “cooking wine” you find at the grocery store for this. You don’t need anything expensive, but you should NEVER cook with something you wouldn’t gladly drink.”

It hit me like a stone. I tried it next time, and it added a whole new dimension to my risotto, and everything else I use wine in (which is a lot.)

What does this have to do with children’s music? Well, in my house (or at the very least in my car) the same principle applies. I do not play music for my kids that I wouldn’t listen to myself.

Why poison your child’s very soul with some saccharin nonsense sung by a frustrated night club dropout? For God’s sake, you’re trying to prepare that critter for a great life; a life rich with art, lyrical prose, genuine emotion. Raffi is swell and all, but compared to Stevie Wonder? Are you kidding me?

If you doubt this, spin Superstitious the next time you’re in the car with your kids. Give it 3 plays, and if your child doesn’t ask you for that song EVERY TIME they get in the car from then on, I’ll spring for the Laurie Berkner (the LEAST bad of the age challenged genre.)

Some other guaranteed midget-pleasers:

• Bob Marley - Three Little Birds
• Ice Cube - Bop Gun
• Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation Remix
• Kim Wilde - Kids in America
• Frank Sinatra - The Coffee Song
• The Proclaimers - (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles
• Bobby Darin - Splish Splash
• Alphaville - Big In Japan
• Bruce Springsteen - Cadillac Ranch (Live)

Full disclosure: Most of these are artists I love. But that’s the bonus here, Dadawan.

First time Dads think they need to change themselves, become suddenly interested in the elaborate, highly specialized Kid-O-Sphere that profit seeking enterprises have constructed around their children. Kids music, kids food, kids drinks, kids shows, kids everything. When we were kids we listened to, ate, drank and watched what our parents did, and in the process learned more about our parents and ourselves as people. We learned to love - maybe even later in life - some of the things they loved.

That’s a pretty special connection, I’d say. So which of the music you love can you share with your kids today?

He’s My Son

Mark Schultz wrote “He’s My Son” while he was a youth minister for a boy he knew that was diagnosed with leukemia. No matter what your religious background might be, I’m sure you will be moved by this song and the emotions of the parents that Mark so eloquently captures. The song has become an anthem for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society which has honored Mark Schultz with the Beacon Award for his awareness-raising efforts.

As a parent, especially as a father, can you imagine the helplessness you must feel when one of your beloved angels is stricken with something you can’t do anything about? That’s the heart-breaking aspect of this song that gets me. We’re left to our faith, whatever it is, and we realize just how much we love our family. So much so that we’d take their place if we could.

I don’t mean to be a downer with this. On the contrary, it’s my hope that it makes us all appreciate how lucky and blessed we are in life. Maybe you won’t blow your lid the next time you come home and the kids are making a mess and tremendous noise. Maybe you’ll enjoy it and even join in? All too soon they will grow up and leave you with a nice, clean and all too quiet house and you will miss them. That’s if you’re fortunate enough not to go through what the parents in this song went through and so many other courageous parents across the world.

p.s. There is a happy ending to this story. The boy that inspired this song is a grown man in his 20s and totally cancer free! :)

Here are the heart-wrenching lyrics
HE’S MY SON

I’m down on my knees again tonight
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I’ve done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired
I’m sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
See, he’s not just anyone
He’s my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he’d like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He’s so tired and he’s scared
Let him know that You’re there

CHORUS

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don’t leave him
He’s my son

The End of Blogs

I’ve always thought that the blogosphere is beginning to wallow in its own waste.  And here’s my proof:  Paul Boutin’s piece in this month’s Wired.  He’s predicting that the end is effectively near for folks like us and I half believe him.  Tweeter is what the blog was in 2004.  Most of us have witnessed the evolution from the unadulterated rant-form web log to the long-form industrialized post of 2008.  What’s the DoM of the 21^st century?

Bryan is found at Parenting Solved and tweets as Doctor_V

That’s What She Said Wednesdays: Mommy Sad

I should start by saying that I blog almost daily at Buck’s Blog and have an on going segment over there called Daddy Dairies.  I thought I start a weekly feature here at Dad-O-Matic called That’s What She Said.  Now take your mind our of the gutter.   My kid, as do all kids, says the craziest things at times.  I thought I share one a week with you.  That’s what She Said Wednesdays will be featured here first exclusively for a week and then moved to my blog.  First let me introduce the characters.

Introducing Danni, she will be the main character of the play I call life.

This is Danni and she talks a lot

Next there is me: BuckDaddy

This is me, I tend to listen a lot

Then there is my wife, Chelsea.  If anyone else enters a story I will be sure to post a picture of them too.

It is near impossible to find a picture of my wife

On to the story.

My wife likes to sing.  She sings to almost every pop song that comes out.  Chelsea has no formal training and American Idol will not be calling her anytime soon.  I should mention that I am not good at singing either.

The other night I had just got home from work and was in the bedroom changing clothes.  My daughter was sitting (probably jumping on the bed) telling me about her day at school.  I was in the closet changing and picking out a t-shirt to bum around in.  i could hear my wife in the living room singing Pink’s So What.  Danni suddenly stopped talking.  This is usually a red flag because it means she is into something she is not supposed to.

I peeked my head out of the closet and saw she wasn’t there.  I ventured into the living room and Danni was standing there staring at my wife as Chelsea sang.  Danni looked at me and said, “Ahh Mommy is so sad.  Give her hug Daddy.”  Danni then turned to Chelsea and said, “It’s okay Mommy stop crying Daddy here, he’ll hug and make better.”

Chelsea doesn’t sing as loud anymore.

Other posts by Buck Rogers:

A Quick Tip for Fathers of Newborns

When lying is good

A friend at work told me how he got his teenage daughter to stop lying years ago.

After she told a lie, he said, “OK, you’ve shown your mom and me that it’s ok to tell a lie in this family. So we’re going to start lying to you.”

“You can’t do that,” she protested. “You’re the parents.”

A few days later ….

“Dad, will you pick me up at the mall?”

“Yup.”

Never shows up. She can find her way home. Boy, was she pissed.

Later, “Dad, will you pay so I can go to the whatever-it-was?”

“Yes.”

Didn’t pay. She couldn’t go.

Now they joke about it. “Cured me from lying forever,” she says.

What do you do when you really need to alter your child’s behavior?

Good luck from a fellow Dad,

Joe Hage

…

Other posts from Joe Hage: Dad’s Life Lessons: Rule #1

Mom and Dad on Strike

Emploment Opprotunities

Dad’s Life Lessons on the Wall

My Kids Are Ninjas For Halloween Candy

It makes no difference where we put it, what precautions we take or how much we don’t want them to get into that candy cache, my kids are like thieves in the night.  Not only are they good at it, but they change their tactics as they learn them.  Like the machine that teaches itself, my children learn from their mistakes so they cannot make them again.

We have been making sure to ration the latest candy rush that was Halloween in our house.  My son learned from his old man and decided that a stupid glow in the dark pumpkin was not cool and certainly was not large enough for the 15 neighborhoods he intended to cover in the 4 hours allotted following darkness.  He decided this year he would take the pillow case from that linen closet, and just in case he would make another pillow case part of his costume in case of the need for a backup.  Like I said, they are getting smarter, even if he is only 7.

The real Ninjas in my household however are not the older children, but the masters are those two youngest boys at 3 and 4.  They are the ones that are home most of the time and can make a plan and carry it out in the finest detail.  For example, my 3 year old was recently caught moving a chair across our hardwood floors to reach the candy bucket that Dad unfortunately left on the counter.  (I left the stash out while I was recently checking those peanut butter cups for poison - it’s a dirty job but a sacrifice I am willing to make for my children’s safety.) He found that if you use the cushions from the couch in the living room, they are not able to be heard and we cannot detect when he is sneaking the last of the Junior Mints.  Can you see what I am dealing with here?  They are like Ninjas!  I would not be so upset except for the fact that I love Junior Mints!  I’m going to call in the guy from "Over The Hedge" and have him install the Turbo Pelter 2000.  Yeah, it might be illegal here in this state, but I can assure you it won’t be that effective with the Genuine kids!

Stop With the Sanitising!

Airports and Babies Do Not Mix

"Crazy Airport" - ©2008 mjcarrasquillo

What You Knew Before, Gone!

Now I expected that our first airport experience was going to be an extreme test of our follow though and endurance but I think I “misunderestimated” exactly how crazy, unprepared and naively optimistic it was going to be. I use the word “misunderestimated” because:

•    It’s a funny BUSH’ism.
•    It expresses the sheer insanity, lapse of all common sense, and shock that went about in the prep and execution of our airport experience in DC; going to grandma and grandpa’s house in Florida.

Learning…To Deal

I wonder if karma has finally hit me. The reason I wonder is because of all the times I’ve twittered or e-mailed my horror stories about being on a plane with a screaming kid in front, next to or behind me. I remember many times being very liberal in my use of expletives when telling people the stories. So now, I find myself on the other side and I just know that couple behind me loved that I held them up at security while learning how to close our new stroller. I got the look of “dude, you’ve had that stroller for, I’m sure, long enough and you’re just now trying to figure it out?” I said, “I’m sorry” and told them to “go ahead of me” and they nicely, albeit reluctantly, said, “don’t worry about it.” If this were JFK airport in New York City, I would have been cursed to no end. Chalk it up for Virginia! I think we spared everyone any major meltdown horror; our daughter was quite well behaved and quiet. We were definitely in the way of airport progress with all our bags and accessories. Classic first time parents, we packed entirely too many things for the baby that we won’t likely need.

The Rundown

Here are a few things to help you prep for your first airport outing:

1. Don’t sleep but only two hours. If you’re supposed to be waking up at 5am, wake up at 7:30, who cares…it’s the airport, pssst.
2. Hit snooze for about 45 minutes within that 2-hour period, you know you don’t want to deal with this.
3. If you’re out of town at the home of a relative and you’re a New Yorker that is used to the fact that hot water is a luxury, enjoy that shower & reliable water heater! Take advantage that you’re NOT in New York City and take your time.
4. Plan to leave at a time you know you’re not going to. We planned to be at the airport at 8:30 am and we got there at 9:15, PERFECT!
5. Carry so many (most unnecessary) things that you are guaranteed to throw your back out.
6. Be sure to show up at your gate 20 minutes past the time you were scheduled, the feeling of missing your fight is an amazing adrenaline rush.
7. Pack creams and lotion amounts you know are not going to pass security. Buy the expensive stuff, (make sure you make eye contact with the guard at the moment he/she throws them away) you can afford it.
8. Try extra hard to see what accommodations you can force on your airline in order to book you on another flight, it’s fun to act like your massive tardiness and unpreparedness is their fault. It’s also fun to have your bags take a vacation to another place where you aren’t going.
9. When on the plane, ask the attendant for a coffee discount offer, you’re going to drink the Sh*t out of it so tell them to put on a pot just for you and you’ll pay wholesale.
10. Try and take video of the experience.

It’s tough realizing that airports are not a baby’s (or parents of a baby) best friend, but we’ll learn how to streamline the process. By force, loss of money, and missing flights.

Fatherly Humility

When you arrive at your destination, take a deep breath; you’ll live. Remember there are some in the immediate vicinity who have shared this pain before and will give you a look of approval and smile that they understand where you are. It’s completely obvious to everyone that you’re a new dad and in on the job training. It’s not all bad and that one person you overhear saying something like “wow, he’s got a lot of stuff, what a great dad” makes you smile and your heart full of love.

This is today’s Trials of Being Dad!

Baby, You Can Drive My Car… at 13???

The American male’s obsession with the automobile is nurtured at a very young age.  We play with toy cars as soon as we are old enough that our parents are reasonably sure we won’t chew off and eat the tiny toy tires.  I myself was weaned on Corgi, Matchbox and Hot Wheels.  Driving - being able to get into a big shiny hunk of gears, pistons, metal and chrome, to take you wherever your heart desires -  is almost a physical expression of the American Dream…  Your wheels are your freedom.  Certainly that is how a teenager may look at it as they approach the driving age.  My oldest son, Zachary (now 20) was as obsessed with the prospect of driving as the best of us.  At 11 and 12 he begged me to get behind the wheel of a car.  In his mind, he was “ready” despite some ridiculous rules and laws that set the age for a Florida Driver Learners Permit at 15.  (From my point of view, raised in NY City where 17 was more the norm to learn to drive, even 15 is way too young.)  But Zach was persistent.  Just how persistent leads me to the following story.

HOME ALONE

For the past 7 years it has been only my three kids and me at home, so we hired a housekeeper (through an established agency) to be there everyday from 2 to 7 to help with the chores and provide adult supervision from the time the kids got home from school until I got home from work.  It seemed to be working fine, until one day when I arrived home a bit earlier than usual.  Two of my kids were home, but Zach (then 13) and the Housekeeper (who I will call Mary) were not.  The kids informed me that Zach and Mary had gone to the supermarket to get something.  Hmmm.  I scratched my head, not really thrilled that Mary would leave the house unattended, even though Ethan was 11 and the supermarket was just a mile down the road.  I went outside to get the mail, and as I walked up to the mailbox I noticed Mary’s car approaching.  As the car came closer, and I stepped to the curb to greet it, I nearly dropped the stack of mail in my hand.

A GRIN THAT WOULD MAKE THE CHESHIRE CAT JEALOUS

Mary’s car pulled up alongside me and stopped.  Mary was in the passenger seat and rolled down her window.  I leaned into the car to see my 13 year old son behind the wheel.  He turned toward me, with the biggest, bloated, most excited grin I had ever seen on his cherubic cheeked face.  “Hi Dad!  Mary let me drive!”  At that moment I was truly dumbfounded.  I looked at Mary with an expression of anger and confusion that I am sure you can envision.  She looked up at me and meekly said, “I didn’t feel well and he told me he knew how to drive…”  I glowered at her and through gritted teeth exclaimed, “He’s 13!!!!  He’ll tell you he knows how to fly to the moon!!!”  I didn’t know what else to say as my mind was racing with images of Zach driving to the local Publix supermarket.  Although it was nearby, driving there did involve navigating at least one fairly busy, 45 mph road.  WTF???  In a flash I imagined the horror stories of what could have happened had anything gone awry as my underage, uninsured, unbelievably naive son seized the streets of my neighborhood.  For a brief moment my anger was replaced with relief that despite the outrageous risks, everything had turned out okay.  That moment passed just as quickly and I sent Zach into the house to finish my “words” with Mary.

AS MUCH AS WE WISH WE COULD, PARENTS CANNOT BE OMNIPRESENT

Looking back, we can laugh at that event, and Zach still brags about what a good driver he was, even at age 13.  Needless to say, Mary was sent packing, and Zach and I had some tough discussions about judgement and responsibility.  Now all three of my kids are driving - the boys on their own, in their own cars, and my daughter with me and her recently acquired Learners Permit.  It is a stressful, scary time.  As parents we must have so much faith and confidence in our children to counterbalance what would otherwise be unending worry.  From the time they start leaving the house for hours at a time at school, we must accept that we have no choice but to let go a little and let them enter the world on its terms, and on their terms.  We cannot be everywhere and watch over them all the time.  We cannot completely protect them from the Mary’s of the world, who do not think or care about, or consider your child’s well being anything close to the way you do.  Who could?  There is nothing deeper or stronger than a parent’s concern for their own child.

Have you ever had a “Mary” place your child in a precarious situation?  How did you react as a parent?

Jeff Sass is the proud dad of ZEO (Zach, 20, Ethan, 18 and Olivia, 17).  He is also a seasoned entertainment and technology exec and active social media enthusiast.  You can see more of Jeff’s writing at Sassholes! and Social Networking Rehab.

Worst of the Week: Run Forrest, Run!

Welcome to my regular Friday feature, Worst of the Week. As a white, suburbanite husband and dad of two kids, there’s a lot that can go wrong and this entry is all about how to fix it. I hope you enjoy it!

My daughter Erin (6) loves to play soccer. She is in her second season and it’s looking like she may play again this spring. However, we have one major problem: every time, yes every time, she gets on the field in a game she freezes up and does not do her best. Oh she does fine in practice, and she runs all the time at recess or out in the backyard playing. But in a game situation she just seems to be lollygagging around, does not go after the ball or does she help out her team mates. Patty and I yelled at her from the sidelines but it just makes us look like overbearing parents. When the coach shouts she pretends not to hear her. A few games ago the shouting stopped to see if she could motivate herself, but it seems to be a lost cause. Even the other girls have noticed and even they have told her to get going at times. But like I said, practice is completely different. She pays attention, runs hard and is eager to play and score. I don’t want to threaten her in any way, I just want her to try harder.

I need help on this one. What’s a Dad to do?

20 Thoughts: My Father’s Advice

My dad got his start in business sweeping up at nights for a remote office of a big company.  He had struggled in college, yet over the course of 20 years he worked his way up to be the president of another company.  He also went back to college while raising two young kids.  When I graduated from college, my dad typed up a list of a hundred random thoughts that he wish his father told him - I still have the entire list and hope to add to and pass it on to my sons when they hit the same milestone.  Here are 20 of the best tips, ranging from motivational to practical to funny.

20.  Be on time for work.  Show up a little early and stay a little late.
19.  Listen to your spouse.  It’s one thing to just hear her, it’s another thing to really listen.
18.  Always have a needle and thread in your travel kit.
17.  Be careful who you confide in.
16.  Get to know your wines.
15.  Never accept “I’m sorry, we can’t do that” from any retailer.
14.  Don’t be afraid to fight for something if you believe in it and know you’re right.
13.  You can make friends and enemies simply by leaving someone off a “cc” list.
12.  Always keep building your network.
11.  Remember your parents get smarter as you get older.
10.  Success is 20% knowledge, 40% ability and 40% motivation.
9.  Use your parents as sounding boards.
8.  Never go food shopping when you’re hungry.
7.  Get involved in a charity you believe in.
6.  Stay out of the office gossip line. Don’t spread rumors.  If you hear that somebody spread a rumor about you call them on it.  They’ll never open their mouth again.
5.  Call your parents once in awhile.
4.  You can always steam out the wrinkles in a suit leaving it in the bathroom of your hotel room with the shower on hot.
3.  When invited to somebody’s house for dinner take them a bottle of wine.
2.  Never put anything in writing that you wouldn’t be willing to have the whole world read.
1.  Never be satisfied with a goal you set yesterday.

What do you wish your dad told you?

Photo credit: ginable via Flickr

Take Time to Say, “No”

It’s eleven minutes after seven in the morning. If the kids are going to make it to school on time, I need to get them out of the door and strapped into the car by 7:15.  Inevitably, one of them (my son is 4, daughter is 7) will encounter a challenge (I don’t know where my shoe is; my coat won’t zip; I forgot to pack my homework folder, etc.) that becomes a rate limiting factor.  It’s decision time…

The easiest and usually most expedient decision is to solve the problem for your child.  It’s typically much faster for a parent to find a lost shoe or zip up a stubborn jacket.  Problem solved; out the door on time.  But this is a short sighted solution and it does a disservice to your kids.

Parents must make choices - or pick their battles as we say in our house - and solving the problem for your child isn’t always the right choice.  Sometimes, we must make the time to say, “No.”  We must make our kids do things on their own - solve their own problems - even if that means we’ll be leaving the house five minutes later than usual.

Our children are capable of amazing things if given the opportunity.  Don’t fall into the habit of giving your kids the easy way out when they face a challenge.  Tell them that you’re confident that they can figure things out on their own.  Fight the urge to help with every little thing, and teach your kids to be more reliant on themselves.

It may take more time, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Priorities: Single Dad vs. Mr. Entrepreneur

This goes out to single dads, heck why not all dads out there for that matter. This post is a bit on the personal level, and while “advice” may not be properly given, it is more about being a wake up call for us dads who tend to put work ahead of family… especially single dads like myself.

First off, as I think about the name of this site “Dad-O-Matic”, it reminds me of products such as the “veg-o-matic” and “chop-o-matic” sold years ago on TV by the pitchman/inventor Ron Popeil… you remember, the “but wait” guy? Everything Ron sold was a product to make life easier, “it slices, it dices, even makes julienne fries” Well, it is with that “O-Matic” connection that makes me laugh a little and wish there really was a “Dad-O-Matic” product of some sort. Anyway… moving on.

Personally over the last 7 years, over half of my sons life, I have been “Mr. Entrepreneur”. I have started 4 companies (2 are still alive) and have also dabbled in four different network marketing companies (still involved with 2). All of the companies have been decent in the fact that I am able to live each and every month perusing the “American Dream”, but I work my butt off and work insane hours to get the workload complete.

When I first divorced my boys mother I was still running our 30+ year old family business. My life was pretty much the 9-5 gig. Was able to come home and play dad every night (I have my son 50/50 with his mother). I cooked dinner every night… that’s right I cooked! Sure we ate out once in a while, but 85% of the time I was the chef of the house. Also. my income was more than I make now each month, I had all the benefits and the “work life balance” was… well… balanced. But now, life is not balanced, far from it! Work seems to be 85% of life and cooking, who has time for that. Delivery anyone?

I do spend a lot of time with my son. For the last 6 years I have helped either coach or assist in all his sporting activities, mainly football and baseball. We go to a lot of movies and play video games every now and again. We spend the “time”, but not in my opinion, as much of the the “quality time”. A lot of the time together while he is on my watch he spends on a computer, video game, or playing with friends and as for me, I am working in the home office playing catch up. When he does pop in to see what I am doing I am almost always not really paying attention as I have work on the brain. I find myself irritated that my little “mini-me” comes in to say hello, and I really am sick with myself for feeling that way… but work has to get done… right? Right “Mr. Entrepreneur”?

Recently my son turned 13, and with that comes the natural “disconnect” that happens as dad goes from funny to semi annoying. Looking back I realize how much I miss that time I spent with him (pre-entrepreneur) … really connecting and not being so stressed out all the ti